A MANAGER’S GUIDE TO CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Conflict Can Be a Good Thing 

Conflict happens when people disagree about something. Despite the fact that we have a lot of similarities, as long as everyone is different from everybody else, we will have conflicts. It happens, and it is a natural part of life and work.

In order to have a productive and constructive work environment, there must be both formal and informal processes for approaching and resolving disagreements. 

Conflict can be positive and healthy, as well as a learning and growing experience. When conflict is dealt with in a positive way it can be helpful to  business needs and purposes. Unfortunately, conflict also has a negative impact when people not only disagree but cause hurt feelings and fracture relationships. There are options for finding a better way to manage or deal with conflict. This can be a first step on the way to improving communication, solving a problem, and building trust and cooperation. This is what you can do: 

·        Assure a Fair Process 

The process is just as important as the outcome. Employees tend to react positively when they feel they are being treated fairly, when they feel their concerns are being heard, and when they feel the game rules are neutral and fairly applied. When people feel the process is fair, they are more willing to accept and support the results. 

·        Don’t React 

Take the time to cool down and resist natural instinct. The most natural thing to do when faced with a difficult employee or situation is to react. Give yourself the gift of time to think. This can help you remain focused on identifying and discussing the real needs and interests of employees. It can also allow you to help the employee work past the emotional baggage of the dispute. 

·        Deal With Feelings 

Helping the employee identify or acknowledge his/her feelings tends to reduce the intensity of those feelings and allows all parties to focus on the underlying problems or issues. All feelings are neutral and valid, but it is how you deal with those feelings that places a value on them. 

·        Attack the Problem, Not the person 

Keep an objective eye on the real problem and detach your feelings about the person presenting it. Ask clarifying or probing questions to better understand what the actual problem is and generate possibilities for settling it. Blaming only polarizes people. Try to look at the situation from the employee’s point of view, and be careful to check assumptions you are making about their behavior. Consider sharing those perceptions to verify them for accuracy. 

·        Practice Direct Communication 

Speak directly to the employee using “I” statements, such as, “I think…,”

“I feel…,” “I need…” Be clear about points of agreement, about purpose, and about your needs. Use positive body language to show support and attention and ask questions to clarify that you are understanding. Paraphrase what has been said to show you care and understand. 

·        Look Past Positions to Underlying Interests 

A position is a person’s limited view of what solution is necessary to solve the problem. Until needs and underlying interests are ascertained, it is not possible to generate options that will be mutually beneficial and agreeable. You must ask what is important and why it is important before underlying motivations can identify what is fueling this conflict. We don’t usually stop to examine patterns of misunderstanding in our relationships at work, because we’re stuck in our own point of view. 

·        Focus on the Future 

The workplace relationship you have with employees is longitudinal, and future interaction can be adjusted to serve the business and interpersonal needs for the organization and you. This is an opportunity to determine what can be done differently or better to assure conflict will not continue.

WHY IS LISTENING SO IMPORTANT? 

Few aspects of human experience are so powerful as the yearning to be understood. You, as a manager have this need, as do the people who work with you. When we think someone listens, we believe we are taken seriously, that our ideas and feelings are acknowledged, and that we have something to share. If listening strengthens your relationships with employees, the result can be a reassuring sense of being understood and a grateful feeling of humanness with the one who understands. When an employee is able to give an account of their experience to a manager who listens well, they are better able to listen to themselves, identifying interests, needs, and opportunities for resolution. 

Listening is so basic that we take it for granted. Unfortunately, most of us think of ourselves as better listeners than we really are. To listen is to pay attention, take an interest, care about, show concern, validate, acknowledge, be moved, and appreciate the person. The need to be heard is one of the most powerful motive forces in human nature, since we define and sustain ourselves through conversations with others. That recognition of being listened to is the response from another person that makes our feelings, actions, and intentions meaningful. Good communication means having the impact you meant to have, but every message must pass through a filter of the speaker’s clarity of expression and the listener’s ability to comprehend what was said. Some of the reasons for misunderstanding are simple and can be improved and learned, however, many more reasons for misunderstanding are less straightforward and not amenable to simple formulas for improvement. Since listening is a learned skill, it can be retrained. Hearing is the autonomic or involuntary reaction to the nervous system and senses. Listening is a voluntary act that requires concentration.

TO GENUINELY LISTEN A MANAGER MUST: 

·        Pay attention to the employee’s communication…this takes full attention, time, and effort.

·        Share responsibility for the communication…most of the meaning in conversation does not reside in the words spoken at all but is filled in by the person listening.

·        Use total body listening…face the speaker, maintain eye contact, and pay attention by using active listening skills.

·        Listen appropriately, depending on the purpose of the communication…social, informational, expressive, or persuasive. 

ACTIVE LISTENING 

Give nonjudgmental feedback to the speaker as a way of checking the accuracy of what has been heard. These skills are used in active listening: 

·        Clarifying…what has this person told me? Are there any vague or confusing parts of the message? If so, what is it? How can I express or ask this so the employee will clarify it?

·        Paraphrasing…this consists of restating the essence of the employee’s message in the manager’s own words as a way of checking on the accuracy of what has been heard.

·        Summarizing…this consists of summing up the main ideas and feelings expressed by the employee and is most appropriate for lengthy conversations and group meetings.

LEARNING TO LISTEN MORE EFFECTIVELY INVOLVES FOUR STAGES: 

1.      Become Aware…be alert to your own listening habits.

2.      Internalize…acquire better listening skills, use active listening techniques, and watch others during conversations.

3.      Practice…get observations and feedback from others and force yourself to utilize different listening techniques.

4.      Integrate…incorporate effective listening skills into your habitual manner of communicating. This is a long-range goal and takes practice and reminders. 

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ARE MUTUAL RESPECT SKILLS, AND EACH PERSON SHOULD SHOW RESPECT FOR THE OTHER AS WELL AS RESPECT FOR SELF. YOU CAN DEMONSTRATE RESPECT BY LISTENING FULLY AND AFFIRMING YOU “GET” WHAT THAT PERSON MEANS, AND YOU RESPECT YOURSELF WHEN YOU ASSERT OR “GIVE” YOUR OWN LEGITIMATE SELF-INTEREST WITHOUT AGGRESSION. TO HAVE A COMPLETE COMMUNICATION, EACH PERSON MUST BOTH “GET” AND “GIVE”. 

ACTIVE LISTENING TECHNIQUES FOR MANAGERS

SHOWING RESPECT TO THE EMPLOYEE (ATTENDING SKILLS) 

1.      Look at the employee who is speaking and always keep that person in view so you can observe reactions and body language and generally maintain eye contact.

2.      Show that you are interested in what the employee is saying and encourage continued conversation with unobtrusive use of phrases such as, “yes”, “I see”, ah ha,” etc. Use positive body cues at appropriate points, such as nods, smiles, note-taking, furrowed brow, etc. In verbal communications between people only 7% of the message is conveyed through the words alone, with 38% conveyed through tone of voice, and 55% by body language.

3.      Most of the time, lean slightly forward toward the speaker. Keep an open, relaxed posture, and keep physical movements to a minimum.

4.      Engage the employee by looking for opportunities to subtly mirror his/her cues. Do not mimic but look for ways to be congruent. For example, if the employee speaks slowly, match that cadence; if the employee uses metaphor, try to do the same; try to say “I see what you mean” or “I hear you” to match the sensory language of the speaker.

5.      Draw the speaker out. Say something like, “I’d like to hear a little more about that, could you elaborate?

6.      Try to listen to what’s not being said…what is missing that you might expect to hear in these circumstances?

7.      Observe how things are said…the emotions, the attitudes behind the words may be more important than what is actually said. Look beyond the mere words the employee uses and remember the importance of tone of voice and body language and posture.

8.      Say little yourself. You cannot listen while you are talking. You have a right to speak, but you may miss critical information and cues in exchange for expressing yourself too early in the dialogue

9.      Show that you are listening and interested by asking questions, and giving feedback, re-framing, and summarizing. Be careful, however, in the early stages to not interrupt the speaker’s flow.
 

ASKING QUESTIONS 

Questions serve three basic purposes: 

Generally, questions should be open-ended, not closed-ended questions that can be answered “yes” or “no,” or with a specific answer like “seven” or “December.” Closed-ended questions could encourage the speaker to stop talking, while open-ended queries cannot be answered so simply, and encourage the speaker to talk and explain in complete sentences. Open-ended questions are good because they invite the employee to open up and tell his/her story. With good factual and feeling information, a good resolution can be crafted. 

FEEDING BACK, RE-FRAMING, AND SUMMARIZING 

When the employee pauses, it is an opportunity to confirm that you have been listening and that you understand by FEEDING BACK what you have heard or observed to that person. It is also a way to check that your perception of what you think you heard or observed is accurate, as well as a way to validate for the employee what he/she is feeling. 

To feed back, repeat or paraphrase what the employee has said or displayed as unspoken feelings. Sometimes, repeating the last couple of words of the person will encourage him/her to continue, but you do not want to parrot the employee’s actual words and sound like a mimic. Paraphrase instead but be conscious of particular words that seem important and use them, if appropriate in your paraphrasing. 

RE-FRAMING is a special way of feeding back, and is one of the manager’s most important tools. It is restating what the employee has said to capture the essence, remove negative overtones, and move the process forward. Re-framing is also a way to translate a positional statement into a statement of interests or needs. An example of this is when a manager or supervisor angrily says, “He’s so irresponsible, I can’t rely on him to do the work I assign on schedule.” Simple feedback might sound like, “So, it really bothers you if he isn’t on schedule”; while a re-framed response would be, “So, being on schedule and following instructions is important to you.” Either response may be appropriate and the difference is subtle, but identifying underlying motivations will always lead to a more satisfying resolution or understanding. 

SUMMARIES are part of most feedback, but sometimes you may want to focus particularly on a summary. With multiple parties or at major transitions, such as after one person has told his version of how the issue in discussion is viewed, the manager may want to summarize pertinent and big points of interest or concern.
 

MANAGING THE FLOW OF COMMUNICATION 

Stick to the employee’s subject. You may want to go somewhere else but give the person time to finish. Don’t be too quick to move on when the employee repeats things. Remember, repetition may indicate (1) that the subject is very important to the employee, and (2) that the employee needs to feel that you’ve really heard him/her on the subject. This is usually a cue that you should feedback what the employee is saying. If repetition continues, ask if there is anything else as important that needs mentioning. Be comfortable with silence. People will talk when they have to, and silence can be a powerful tool in emotional dynamics.

BASIC COMMUNICATION 

A primary purpose of communication is to influence the attitudes and behaviors of those we address. Communication is not talking and waiting to talk. When the communication process breaks down, the natural assumption is that the employee didn’t say what he meant or didn’t hear what you said. Usually, both parties to misunderstanding feel that way. 

When you engage in a business conversation with an employee, you have an intention of what you want to communicate, you send a message, and that message has an impact on the listener. Good communication means having the impact you meant to have, but every message must pass through the filters of the speaker’s clarity of expression and the listener’s ability to hear what was said. Unfortunately, there are many times when intent does not equal impact and many reasons why this occurs. 

To achieve precision and effectiveness in communication:

·        A message must be conveyed

·        The message must be received

·        There must be a response

·        Each message must be understood

To convey a message:

·        Point of view must be expressed clearly, simply, and effectively

·        Refrain from assumptions

·        Think as an intellectual but speak as a common person

·        Consider the best mode of conveyance ( oral, written or some combination)

·        Be mindful of semantics and acronyms

·        Remove “you know” and other fillers from your speech pattern

To receive a message:

·        An understanding attitude is an openness to listen and learn

·        There’s a big difference between showing interest and really taking interest

·        The heart of listening is the struggle to suspend you own needs

Weak Listening Habits

·        Interrupting…constantly interrupting the other person says, “You’re not as important as I am, listen to me.”

·        Jumping to conclusions…we speak at 120-180 words per minute but are capable of hearing up to 800 words per minute. That gap can allow the listener’s mind to run ahead of what is being said.

·        Hurrying the speaker…finishing the sentences of the speaker or constantly saying “uh-ha, uh-ha” or “OK, OK” can be intimidating and produce a chilling effect on the speaker’s delivery of the message.

·        Listening passively…good listeners give feedback to the speaker as to say you know what is being said and understand it. Good listeners often interject with “oh”, “really”, or other supportive exclamations.

·        Being inattentive…listening requires active concentration and full attention and can be hard work for lazy people.

·        Listening through emotional filters…a major source of faulty listening can be our attitudes, beliefs, and emotional associations that we acquire in the process of growing up. Memories, past experiences, prejudices, age, gender, and race are some filters.
 

BARRIERS TO COMMUNICATION

COMMUNICATOR’S WEAKNESS

METHODS TO REMOVE MESSAGE BARRIERS

ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS

·        Inherent difficulties in listening…

·        Most words have more than one meaning. There are 14,000 different meanings for 500 of the most commonly used words in the English language…that is 28 meanings per word.

·        Messages must be decoded for their intended meaning, and we often soften the message to be polite or not hurt feelings.

·        Listen to the person as well as the message.

ACTIVE LISTENING

ACTIVE LISTENING

Clarify

·        What has this person told me?

·        Are there any vague or inexact parts of the message? If so, what are they?

·        How can I express this so the speaker will clarify it?

·        Listen and observe to see how useful the clarification is.

     Paraphrasing

·        What has the other person said?

·        What is the content of the message? What is this person trying to tell me?

·        How can I restate the main message and rephrase it?

·        Listen and see if the speaker confirms your response.

     Summarizing

·        What have we talked about so far?

·        Are there any apparent themes or patterns? Is there anything that keeps resurfacing in the discussion?

·        How can I sum up the patterns or themes of this conversation?

·        Listen and see if others confirm your summary response or not.

To respond to a message:

·        Remember proper etiquette in responding:

n      Watch monopolizing the conversation

n      Don’t change the subject prematurely

n      Be careful of stepping on other’s sentences

n      Hold your temper…outbursts are rarely useful

n      Silence is powerful

n      Ask a question to turn the discussion to the other person

n       Allow the other person a method to save face

To understand a message:

·        Did you say what I think you said, or did I think I heard what I thought you were going to say?

·        Factors causing misunderstandings:
High hopes
Muddled message
Missing message

·        Seek feedback

        “What should we do about this?”

        “How will you handle this problem?”

        “What is the order of priorities?”

        “What is your view?”